Fun With Church Bulletins
As I've stated elsewhere on this website, my favorite calling of all time was as the Ward Public Relations Specialist. I held this calling at my BYU Singles Ward from May 1999 until August 2000.
There were oh so many things I enjoyed about this calling, but the best part by far was getting to do the sacrament meeting program---specifically the announcements. After about two weeks of doing normal (a.k.a. boring) announcements, I decided to spice up the program by adding my personal voice and a little bit of humor to them. The end result was that doing the sacrament meeting program became the absolute highlight of my week. I also figured that it encouraged people to actually read the announcements because they were more interesting that way.
So, I recently went through my past church bulletins and have posted them here on my website for your personal enjoyment. I reorganized them into different categories and provided some explanation of BYU culture so that they'll make sense. Some of these you might find corny, but some of them are also pretty funny, in my opinion. Enjoy...
Ward Prayer
Ward Prayer is a tradition at many BYU Singles Wards. The idea is to gather the entire ward together in the apartmet complex on Sunday night and pray together. Here's a few things about Ward Prayer that you should know in order to understand these announcements:
- Our Ward Prayer was held at 8:15 in the Centennial Recreation Room (Centennial was the name of the apartment complex I lived in). The Rec Room was pretty good sized, but when you got all the ward members in there, it sometimes got a litte tight.
- We weren't the only ward in my apartment complex and the other wards also met for Ward Prayer shortly after ours in the Rec room.
- Ward Prayer was frequently cancelled because of firesides.
- There was a special calling devoted to organizing Ward Prayer.
- Ward Prayer usually featured an apartment spotlight. This meant that one apartment would introduce the people who lived in a particular apartment and tell the others something interesting about them. Then that apartment would be in charge of the spotlight the next week.
- After the spotlight, there was usually a spiritual thought and then a prayer. Sometimes, the Ward Prayer coordinators would put an apartment or two in charge of providing refreshments afterwards. (Oh, and that meant everyone went over to their apartment to eat.)
- I picked up the word "mur" from my boss who used to say it a lot. Mur is short for "murmur," as in "Laman and Lemuel murmered against their father." I started using it so much that my roommates began using it too. I provide the definition below.
- A lot of Mormons love the movies Star Wars and Princess Bride.
5.30.99
Ward prayer. 8:15. Rec room. Be there.
6.6.99
See the 122nd Ward Member. See the 122nd Ward Member go to ward prayer in the rec room at 8:15. Go, Ward Member, go.
6.27.99
We interrupt your regularly scheduled ward prayer meeting to bring you: a fireside. Yes, that's right. Due to the fireside, ward prayer will be canceled for tonight. But we suggest that you still have a prayer with your roommates tonight in your individual apartments... We now return you to your regularly scheduled ward activities.
7.4.99
Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! "Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's... Super Ward Prayer!" Yes, it's Super Ward Prayer!---strange meeting of the 122nd ward members every Sunday night at 8:15 in the Centennial rec room---with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Super Ward Prayer!---which can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel with its bare hands, and which fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and the American way! (But have you ever noticed how Clark Kent always seems to miss Ward Prayer? Suspicious...)
7.11.99
TODAY'S ETIQUETTE TOPIC IS: Proper Ward Prayer Attendance
Let's consider two 122nd Ward Members, "Bill" and "Bob," who are possible dating candidates in the ward. "Bill" attends ward prayer every Sunday, always arriving at 8:15 in the Centennial Rec Room, whereas "Bob" always comes twenty minutes late. "Bill" displays excellent ward prayer manners: always holding the door open for the ladies and folding his arms respectfully during the spiritual thoughts, whereas "Bob" either curls up on the floor and falls asleep or else he makes loud remarks about his home state ("Go, North Dakota!") after every sentence---even during the prayer. Which one do you think will get the most dates? The answer: Neither---the girls in this ward have a strict policy against dating guys with quotation marks around their names. But come to ward prayer anyway.
7.18.99
Yes, Ward Prayer will actually be held tonight at 8:15 in the Centennial Rec Room. Stop laughing, I'm not kidding. This time I'm really serious. None of that "the boy who cried 'Ward Prayer' " stuff. This time, it's for real. There are absotively, posolutely NO firesides or meetings tonight. If there are any firesides or meetings tonight which could possibly cancel Ward Prayer, speak now or forever hold your peace... I now pronounce you all future ward prayer attendants.
8.8.99
Room Rec Centennial the in 8:15 at tonight held be still will Prayer Ward fireside, a have we though even---Whoops! Sorry about that! That's what I get for typing upside down. Let's try again... Even though we have a fireside, Ward Prayer will still be held tonight at 8:15 in the Centennial Rec Room.
9.26.99
My name is Inigo Montoya. You spotlighted my apartment. Prepare to pray. (At Ward Prayer tonight at 8:15 in the Centennial Rec Room.)
11.28.99
Guess what!!! We will actually be having Ward Prayer tonight at 8:15 in the Centennial Rec Room. That's right. There are no firesides or meetings to cancel it tonight. (This is the part where you begin the dance of joy.)
1.23.00
Once upon a time, there was a little village called "Centennialand." In this little village there lived many happy 122nd Ward members. One day, the king of Centennialand declared that there would be a gathering at 8:15 in the Centennialand Recreation Room for ward prayer. All the ward members throughout the land would be invited and there would be singing, feasting, and maybe even a little dancing. (Okay, so maybe there wouldn't be any dancing, but you never know with that crazy King of Centennialand). So, all the ward members came and had a simply splendid time. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.
3.5.00
There will be no ward prayer tonight. Mur. (For those of you who don't know yet, the definition of "mur" is: [interj.] abbreviation for "murmur," used to express disappointment, despondency, discontent, etc.)
3.12.00
HANS: This is Hans.
FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to...
BOTH: Pump (clap) you up!
HANS: So come to Ward Prayer.
FRANZ: Ya, at 8:15 in the Centennial Rec Room
HANS: If you want us to
BOTH: Pump (clap) you up!
HANS: If you do not come, then you are a Girlyman.
FRANZ: Ya, a Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlymen, you know.
HANS: So, come to Ward Prayer and we will
BOTH: Pump (clap) you up!
4.16.00
The sweeping saga of love and prayer in the heart of Provo comes to the big screen. The epic drama that's moved audiences for years: it's Steven Spielberg's The Final Ward Prayer, winner of six Academy Awards including Best Picture. Coming tonight at 8:15 to a Centennial Rec Room near you...
5.21.00
Prayer: The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the 122nd Ward Members. It's spring term mission: to explore strange, new ward members, to seek out new spotlights and new apartments, to boldly go to the Centennial Rec Room at 8:15 every Sunday night. Tune into this night's episode and you'll be sure to live long and prosper.
6.11.00
The following is a paid advertisement:
Father: Honey, what's for dinner?
Sister: Mommy, my new Barbie's head just popped off!
Brother: Mom! I just spilled grape juice all over your white couch!
Mother (smiling): That's okay!
All: That's okay?
Mother: Sure! My new Ward-Prayer-O-Matic will take care of all that.
All: Really?
Mother: Yes, the Ward-Prayer-O-Matic takes care of all your household cares! It vacuums, it mops, it sews, it cleans the windows, it slices, it dices—even makes julianne fries! All for the low, low price of $19.95!
Father: But where do we get such an amazing thing?
Mother: The Ward-Prayer-O-Matic will be available tonight at 8:15 in the Centennial Rec Room.
Brother: But won't that conflict with the Ward Fireside tonight in the Relief Society Room?
Mother: Of course not! That's why it's at the oh-so-convenient time of 6:30 as opposed to the Mormon Standard of 7. But you've got to act quick! The Ward-Prayer-O-Matic is only available for a limited time and will not be sold in stores. Hurry in today and the first ten will be given away free!
Sister: Wow! I'm going right now!
Brother: Me too!
Mother (lightly chuckling): Don't worry, there's enough for everybody! Come to Ward Prayer today!
6.18.00
Come to ward prayer today in the Centennial Rec Room at 8:15. (Our motto: PHENOMENAL PRAYING POWERS---itty bitty praying space.) Hope to see you there!
7.9.00
It's time for a WARD PRAYER PROFICIENCY test. Just answer the following question correctly, and you'll receive an all-expenses paid trip to---yes, you guessed it---Ward Prayer! Here's your question:
Q: You are in charge of the spotlight for that night. You accidentally forget that ward prayer is at 8:15 in the Centennial Rec Room and you show up at 9:00 during the other ward's prayer. As you start giving the spotlight and see the strange looks people give you, you realize your mistake. You should:
- tell them that you've been invited to their ward prayer to perform a special musical number and slide into an inspiring "Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief" (all seven verses).
- drop to one knee and begin speaking in tongues.
- hide under the pool table until everyone leaves.
- point out the window and say, "Look! It's Steve Young!" and while everyone turns to look, quickly slip out the door.
7.16.00
Top Ten Star-Warish Things To Say If You've Forgotten That Your Apartment Volunteered to Host the Refreshments After Ward Prayer (which is at 8:15 in the Centennial Rec Room):
- 10. "Luke! We're gonna have company!"
- 9. "You said you wanted to be around to see me make a mistake. Well, this could be it, sweetheart."
- 8. "Exciting is hardly the word I would use."
- 7. "Unexpected this is, and unfortunate."
- 6. When Nate and Jenny ask you to join them for ward prayer, reply with: "I'll never join you!" (Distort your face and throw yourself off the balcony.)
- 5. Gesture around the room and say to your roommates, "If they don't go for this, we're gonna have to get out of here pretty quick."
- 4. As they come in the door, say to them, "You've got a lot of nerve coming in here after what you pulled."
- 3. When, they ask why you haven't prepared any refreshments, have a friend yell, "Because he's holding a thermal detonator!" (Everyone dives for cover.)
- 2. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
- 1. "Lock the doors, and hope they don't have blasters!"
Adopt-a-Grandparent
The Adopt-a-Grandparent program was a special activity that my ward participated in. Every Sunday afternoon, anyone who was interested would meet and carpool over to a rest home. We'd spend an hour singing to all the people in the rest home and they really looked forward to our visits. Like ward prayer, a person had a special calling just to coordinate it and Adopt-a-Grandparent was frequently cancelled for firesides.
6.6.99
Once again, it's time for that crazy Adopt-a-Grandparent program. So, grab a hymn book and come hop a ride to the senior center at apt. #125 at 6:30 p.m. If you don't come, we'll send some very large men named Boris and Guido to your apartment for a "chat," and they have a nasty habit of breaking things. No, just kidding. But come anyway, capish?
9.26.99
106 miles to Chicago, we've got a half a tank of gas, a hymn book, the Adopt-a-Grandparent Program will be meeting tonight at 6:45 in apt. 225 to go to the rest home, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it.
11.7.99
As a result of the fireside, the Adopt-A-Grandparent program will be canceled tonight. Now, before you start weeping and wailing and gnashing your teeth, don't worry! Because the fireside is at an earlier time, ward prayer will still be held at 8:15 in the Centennial Rec Room. Happy day, all is well!
3.12.00
Attention, Gadget: Dr. Claw has infiltrated the rest home, and is using it as a secret base while he tries to take over the world. Your mission is to meet in #225 at 4:00 to participate in the Adopt-a-Grandparent program. Bring your hymn book because you're going to need it. We have an informant in the base. You are to contact him by singing "As Sisters in Zion." He will give you further instructions. Good luck, Gadget. This message will self-destruct.
3.26.00
JUDGE: And now, it's time for the last question in the final round of the Miss America Pageant. Your question is: what would you do with a million dollars?
MISS CONNECTICUT: I would buy everyone in the world a puppy!
AUDIENCE: Ahhhh...
MISS ALASKA: I would buy thousands and thousands of flower seeds and spread them all throughout the world!
AUDIENCE: Oooooo...
MISS UTAH: I would meet in apt. 225 to go to Adopt-a-Grandparent at 4:00 today!
JUDGE: But wait—you don't need a million dollars to do that!
MISS UTAH: Exactly.
6.11.00
Dear John,
Well, I'll bet you were starting to wonder why I hadn't written you in a while, huh. I've just been a little.... um... busy for the last eight months.
Well, I'll just get right down to why I'm writing this letter. I'm sorry that this day had to come, Elder, and believe me—this hurts me more than it hurts you. But, I'm writing to tell you that, well, you've been replaced. I have a new love in my life now: Adopt-a-Grandparent. Every Sunday we meet to go to a rest home and sing to the people there. Today, in fact, we're meeting at 4:30 in apartment #101. I never thought I could be this happy, John, but it's finally happened.
Well, good luck in the field, John. I'm sure you're getting tons of baptisms up there in Saskatchewan. ---Molly
Ward Temple Trip
The endowed members were invited to go on a Ward Temple trip every week, so there was a pretty regular announcement about it in the bulletin. Most of the time I just announced it straight, but sometimes I put in some humor.
6.6.99
If you haven't figured it out by now, there's a weekly ward temple trip that meets Tuesday nights at 6:15 in apt. #101. And, just in case you REALLY haven't been paying attention this whole term---we have a family name file that you are welcome to work on if you can't make it at that time. If you're still lost, you can call Will Harris (apt. #101) or Shelly Smith (343-2657).
6.13.99
Tuesday temple trip to take place at the terrific time of 6:15 at apt. 101. (For those non-English majors, that was a none-too-subtle employment of "alliteration." Isn't English wonderful?) Call Will (apt. 101) or Shelly (343-2657) if you have questions.
7.4.99
Don't forget about the weekly ward temple trip for endowed members every Tuesday night at 6:15 in apt. 101. If you think you might forget, call Will Harris (apt. 101) or Shelly Smith (343-2657) and they would be more than happy to give you a post-it note that says "Tuesday Temple Trip, Mor(m)on!" which you can stick on your forehead.
7.11.99
Just another reminder for those of you who are endowed: Tuesday temple trip at 6:15 in apt. 101. We will leave at 6:30 and get there in time for the 7:00 session. If you can't make it at that time, but would like to go later, we have a family name file that you are welcome to work on. Contact Will Harris (apt. 101) or Shelly Smith (343-2657) if you have any questions. And if your professor tries to give you some extra homework that night, just hand him a hymn book opened to Hymn #224.
7.18.99
Once again, there will be a Tuesday ward temple trip which meets at 6:15 in apt. 101. We will leave at 6:30 and get there in time for the 7:00 session. Contact Will Harris (apt. 101) or Shelly Smith (343-2657) if you have any questions. And for those of you who are Swedish and did not understand this last announcement, I have provided a Swedish translation, compliments of the Swedish Chef. SWEDISH TRANSLATION: Once-a egeeen, zeere-a veell be-a a Tooesdey verd temple-a treep vheech meets et 6:15 in ept. Um de hur de hur de hur. 101. Ve-a veell leefe-a et 6:30 und get zeere-a in teeme-a fur zee 7:00 sesseeun. Bork bork bork! Cuntect Veell Herrees (ept. Um de hur de hur de hur. 101) oor Shelly Smeet (343-2657) iff yuoo hefe-a uny qooesshuns. Um gesh dee bork, bork!
Break the Fast
In many singles wards in the church, they get together on Fast Sunday to break the fast together. In our ward, you were assigned different apartments to eat with and stuff.
6.6.99
As it is Fast Sunday (which, in my opinion, isn't that fast), every apartment has been assigned a group to break the fast with. Please contact your group and set up a time to break the fast today. Group assignments are as follows:
- Group 1: 101, 203, 220, 225
- Group 2: 102, 103, 325, 327
- Group 3: 301, 326, 104
- Group 4: 125, 201
- Group 5: 126, 304, 328, Clark Pew
- Group 6: 226, 228, 302
- Group 7: 120, 202, 204, 227, Shelly Smith
9.26.99
Well, it's Fast Sunday. And do you know what that day means? No musical numbers in church---unless you consider the melodious chorus of everybody's stomachs growling in unison to be music. Actually, Fast Sunday is the day we meet to break the fast with our assigned apartments. So, please be sure to talk to your counterpart apartment in setting up a time to feast on good food and good company. The assignments are:
- 202 and 228, 226 and 203, 302 and 127
- 201 and 128, 301 and 327, 201 and 128
- 301 and 327, 103 and 326, 303 and 126
- 104 and 325, 204 and 225, 304 and 125
- 101, 328 and 220
- 102, 227, and 120
3.5.00
"Roast beef!" "Mashed potatoes!" "Carrots!" "Jello Salad!" KaZING! With your powers combined, I am CAPTAIN BREAK-THE-FAST!!! I materialize the first Sunday of every month to help you break your fast the way you oughta: with other apartments! So, my Break-the-Fast Cadets, here are your assignments this month... And remember: only you can prevent world hunger!
- 101 and 327, 201 and 127, 301 and 220, 102 and 226
- 202 and 228, 302 and 128, 303 and 326, 104 and 325
- 204 and 225, 304 and 120,
- 103, 125, 126
- 203, 328, 227
3.26.00
Remember that short-lived fad of the eighties called "breakdancing"? Well, I've heard a rumor that there's now a Mormon equivalent that is rising in popularity here at the Y. It's called "breakfasting." Since today is Fast Sunday, be on the lookout for the telltale signs that breakfasting is catching on in your ward. If you see a) people moonwalking on their way to the apartment that they've been assigned to break their fast with, b) several persons spinning around on top of their kitchen tables, or c) many of your ward members carrying around copies of the book "Breakfasting: Mr. Fresh and the Supreme Rockers Show You How To Do It," then you'll know that this fad has caught on in your ward.
6.4.00
Ahh, yes. It's Fast Sunday. That glorious first Sunday of the month when people put Kleenexes next to the pulpit and padlocks on their cupboard doors. But it's also a time when we as a ward meet with our assigned apartments to Break the Fast. Be sure to meet with your assigned apartments for good food and good company today!
Choir Practice and Other Music Related Events
Okay, this is probably my favorite set of announcements. I got the idea to do weekly choir proficiency tests from my high school choir teacher Mr. Crowe. I personally thought Mr. Crowe had a really great sense of humor. On the last day of choir, he handed out this choir proficiency test---it had a definite Christian choir slant to it (he was a Baptist), but I never laughed so hard in my life reading this thing. So, I thought of it later when I was putting together the church announcements. I basically Mormon-ified it for our purposes. Here's a few things you might need to know about our choir in order to understand these announcements:
- At BYU, there's a tradition called tunnel-singing. For the most part, it's mostly freshman who live in the dorms on campus who participate in it. After dark at a particular time on Sunday evenings, a large group of people meet in the tunnel by the Marriott Center (but I'm told there's a separate tunnel singing group that meets at the tunnel by the Smith Fieldhouse). They bring flashlights and hymn books and just sing for about an hour. A lot of people really enjoy it. I thought it was a little overrated, personally. I went a few times, but wasn't very religious about attending.
- In addition to a ward choir, we had an amazing stake choir which met every Sunday under the direction of Jim Kasen. Jim was such an amazing choir director. I haven't included most of my announcements about the stake choir because, for the most part, I kept them serious and just said things like "This choir is really great. I highly recommend going" and what not. That's because I had a ton of respect for it and loved that choir. If I ever become a choir director, I'll try to be like Jim.
- Our church was held at 9:00 a.m. in the Nelke Theatre in the Harris Fine Arts Center on BYU campus. The curtains and chairs in that room are all bright red---like a normal theater.
7.4.99
Apt. 225 wishes to point out that every Sunday night right after Ward Prayer, everyone is invited to their apartment to sing hymns. Really, you should come. It's just like tunnel-singing. Except there's no tunnel... And there's no flashlights... And there's no guy yelling out what hymn to sing next... And nobody announces their mission calls right before singing "Called to Serve..." And...
7.18.99
There will be an informal ward choir practice today at 3:00 in apartment #225. By "informal" I mean, informally organized---it does NOT, I repeat, NOT mean you should come in your pajamas. Or in a bathrobe and slippers with a towel wrapped around your head, looking like you just stepped out of the shower. (Unless, of course, you are one of those shower-singing types and you need the proper attire in order to create an environment conducive to singing. Discretion advised...) Anyway, please come. Especially if you are male. And a tenor. Or both. We have need of you and your voice.
9.5.99
Don't forget: everyone is invited to apt. 225 after Ward Prayer for a hymn sing. Last week's hymn sing was canceled due to the Watermelon Bust (hey, who can compete with watermelon?) but tonight there will definitely be one. Come and join in the harmony!
9.5.99
Stake Choir practice will be tonight at 5:30 in the Madsen Recital Hall. Whether you sing or not, just come once and you'll be hooked. I promise. (This is one of those few addictions that the church approves of...)
9.19.99
And it came to pass that stake choir practice was held from 5:30 to 6:30 in the Madsen Recital Hall. And there was much rejoicing in the land thereof.
Speaking of choirs, come to our ward choir practice every Sunday at 8:50 am (yes, am). It's not too hard to be in the choir. No auditions or anything. You just have to be able to circle the correct answer on this choir proficiency test:
Question #1: A big sneeze is going to burst from your lips in the last quiet meausures of an arrangement. You should:
- as you sneeze, step down hard on your neighbor's foot to create a diversion.
- cram your scripture case into your mouth to muffle the noise.
- try to make it harmonize.
- sneeze normally. It doesn't matter, because Zak MacKay is going to kill you anyway. (Just kidding.)
9.26.99
Once again, it's time for your weekly choir proficiency test for entrance into the ward choir which meets every Sunday at 8:45.
Question #57: You are a soprano and count incorrectly. As a result, you boom out a high "C" a measure too soon. You should...
- slide into an inspired "O That I Were an Angel."
- look triumphant and hold that note.
- stop abruptly in mid-squawk but keep your lips moving.
- be grateful that you decided to wear bright red that day as you just might be able to blend into the chairs in the Nelke when a mob of choir members come to massacre you after the meeting.
10.10.99
It's time for the weekly ward choir proficiency test. (Ward choir is at 8:15 every Sunday morning.)
Question #23: You stand with the choir to sing the musical number for the day, when you accidentally drop your folder with music flying everywhere. You should...
- step out of the line to retrieve your music, and calmly step to the podium to sing an improvised solo.
- ask the bishop to help you gather your music, since half of it is laying in his lap anyway.
- knock the folder out of some else's hand during the musical number so that you won't be singled out as the only clumsy member of the choir.
10.31.99
Hey, kids, what time is it? CHOIR PROFICIENCY TIME!!! That's right, and here's you question for this week!
Question #99: The person sharing your music in rehearsal had a garlic tamale for breakfast. You should...
- complain of lack of oxygen then grab your throat and fall convulsing on the floor while screaming "garlic, ugh, garlic..."
- pass the offender a hymn book opened to #131 and point to the phrase "more purity give me."
- sing without inhaling.
- say, "I detect garlic tamale on your breath. That would be a great for Break the Fast. Do you think I could have the recipe?"
11.14.99
It's back. The weekly Ward Choir Proficiency Test. Ace this, and win a trip to Ward Choir EVERY Sunday at 8:45 with none other than the famous ZAK MACKAY!!! Are you jazzed? Okay, here's your question:
Question #49: You are walking up to sing with the choir on the day of a performance when you suddenly trip and fall down flat. You should...
- assume a kneeling position and break into fervent prayer.
- pretend you've had a heart attack and begin convulsing back and forth.
- crawl behind the piano and hide.
- begin speaking in tongues.
11.21.99
Ya'll ready for the weekly Ward Choir Proficiency Test? (Possibly one of the easiest tests you'll take this semester...) If you score well, you win a free, all-expenses paid trip to Ward Choir every Sunday at 8:45 with your charming host Zak MacKay. Here's your question:
Question #88: After all those strenuous rehearsals you show up twenty minutes late for a performance. You should...
- climb into the back of the choir from behind the curtains.
- distract the director and audience by tying a string around the piano bench and then pull the bench out from underneath the pianist.
- step to the mic for an improvised solo.
- enter pretending to be a sound technician checking microphone cables, and then subtly infiltrate yourself into the choir.
1.16.99
Want to test your Choir Proficiency? Well, here's your opportunity once again! If you score 0% or above, you're more than welcome to join us for Ward Choir every Sunday at 8:45 in the Nelke. Here goes:
Question #86: After months and months of rehearsals, you find out you are going to be out of town the Sunday that your choir is singing. You should:
- have a friend who's a good actor pose as your family doctor and call the choir director at 5:30 the morning you're going to miss and, with a note of urgency in their voice, tell the director of your weakened condition.
- fill our your death certificate in advance since the rest of the choir will kill you the following Sunday.
- send a note to the director informing him that you will have to miss, but sign your name so that it can't be read.
- ask your roommate to carry in a cardboard cutout of you to put in your place---nobody will know the difference anyway!
2.20.00
Come press your luck at ward choir at practice today at 5:30 in #225 with your host, Brother Zak MacKay. You're almost guaranteed to walk away as an instant winner! "Come on, big money, big money—no whammies!"
Firesides
BYU has way too many firesides, in my opinion. Fireside overkill. I skipped many firesides in my day---but that didn't keep me from fulfilling my duty and putting them in the announcements.
6.13.99
Once upon a time (7:00 tonight, to be exact), there was a fireside in the Pardoe Theater. And all the 122nd Ward members gathered far and wide from distant lands to attend the fireside. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.
8.8.99
Your presence is hereby requested at 6:30 in the Pardoe Theatre for a musical fireside. Do come dressed in Sunday best, as this is a formal affair. And remember that it is a faux pas to come late, despite the popularity of Mormon Standard Time.
11.14.99
You asked for a fireside? Well, we've got one! The monthly Centennial fireside will be tonight at 7:00 in the Madsen Recital Hall.
Oh, man. That means that both Ward Prayer and Adopt-a-Grandparent are canceled tonight. Again.
11.21.99
To every thing (turn, turn, turn) there is a season (turn, turn, turn) and a time to every purpose under heaven. Well it's that time of the season when the BYU 5th Stake holds its Annual Thanksgiving Service. The fireside will be held tonight at 7:00 in the Provo Tabernacle (Center Street and University Ave), 5:30 for choir members. And you'll want to get there super-dee early because seats disappear faster than pumpkin pie at a Thanksgiving dinner.
Because of the fireside, there will be no Ward Prayer or Adopt-a-Grandparent tonight. Indeed we may say that we are a fireside-loving people.
2.13.00
LAME PICK-UP LINE: "If I were to rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together."
LAME PICK-UP LINE: "You know, you're really pretty. How are your cooking and cleaning skills?"
GOOD PICK-UP LINE: "Hey, there, do you want to go to Fireside at 7:00 in the Madsen Recital Hall? I'll bet you could give a nice opening prayer..."
3.5.00
President Boyd K. Packer will be speaking at the CES Fireside tonight at 7:00 p.m. in the Marriott Center. Don't forget to get there early so that you can have good seats! (Pssst. You probably didn't catch it, but that last sentence contained a subliminal message. What it really says is this: "You will go to the fireside, 122nd Ward member. You will go early, 122nd Ward member. 6:30 p.m, to be exact. You will enter Portal F at 6:30, turn to the left and go to the upper area, 122nd Ward member. There you will sit with your ward. Yes, you will sit with your ward." The message was planted to see if we could get our ward to informally sit altogether... Think it will work? I think so. I bet you'll all show up at Portal F and look around and wonder how we all spontaneously decided to sit there...)
Miscellaneous
These are just a collection of the miscellaneous announcements that didn't fit into any specific category. Here's a few things you might need to know in order to understand these announcements:
- The Winter semester usually ended in the middle of April, which is when a lot of people would leave and we'd get some new faces, but mostly we'd just lose a lot of people. Spring term ended in June and we usually had a few people move in and out at that time. Summer term ended in August and that's when we'd usually get a whole new crop of new people in the ward.
- As Ward PR rep, I was also in charge of creating the Ward Directories, which got old after a while.
- Homemaking's name was formally changed to "Family, Home and Personal Enrichment" in January 2000.
6.6.99
According to Alexander Pope, "to err is human, to forgive divine." Yes, we here at the ward bulletin could technically be considered human and, therefore, we have the tendency to make a mistake now and then. So, we'd like to extend a heart-felt apology to Ryan Wamsley for misspelling his name in the program last week. Personally, we're sure that he'll forgive us, because we think he's "simply divine." (That last part should be read with a Southern accent...)
7.4.99
Please note: we here on the Ward Directory committee wish to extend a sincere apology to Julie Wrathall (apt. 327) for accidentally leaving her off the ward list. (I quote Homer Simpson: "Doh!") We ask Julie to read D&C 64:10 and want her to know we feel very terrible.
8.8.99
The ward closing social will be this Monday at Jolley's Ranch at 7:00. Join us for a rip-roarin', RM-lovin', CTR-ring-wearin', green-jello-salad-with-shredded-carrots-eatin' good time! Also, please be sure to pick up the map that has directions.
8.8.99
A quote to say good-bye on our last Sunday together:
"If we do meet again, we'll smile indeed;
If not, ‘tis true this parting was well made."
–William Shakespeare
(Julius Caesar 5:1)
9.5.99
Umm. Okay. We're sorry, but we were unable to get the ward directories out this week. (It was a lot easier over spring term when there were less people...) But it will definitely be done by the end of next week. I promise. And hang on to this program: if I break that promise, this program acts as a coupon to justifiably give me all the noogies you want.
9.19.99
Do you have the urge to attend a meeting tonight? Well, now you're problems are solved! Check out our *all-new!* GINSU MEETING-O-MATIC! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your evening into meetings! How much would you pay? Don't answer because when you attend one meeting tonight, you're guaranteed another meeting next week ABSOLUTELY FREE! There's a meeting for everyone. Find the perfect one for you from this list below:
- Returned Missionary Meeting from 4:30 to 5:30 in the Madsen Recital Hall.
- Ward Mission Leader's Meeting from 4:30 to 5:30 in H-FAC F-4111.
- Temple and Family History Meeting from 4:30 to 6:00 at the Family History MTC (85 North 600 East).
- Marriage Preparation Meeting from 5:30 to 7:30 in H-FAC F-201.
10.10.99
Pepe, would you say that I have a plethora of announcements. Yes, El Guapo, you have a plethora of announcements. Pepe, what is a plethora anyway? Well...
- There will be a tri-ward fireside tonight at 7:00 in the Madsen Recital Hall.
- Due to the fireside, there will be no ward prayer or Adopt-a-Grandparent.
- Don't forget about Stake Conference next week at 10:00 in the deJong Concert Hall.
- A Ward Council will be held today at 12:45 in the Bishop's office (E-536).
- The Family History class is being held today during Sunday School with Melissa Law and Spencer Broderick. They welcome anyone who is interested in attending.
- As is the custom ever month, Family Home Evening will be held at each of the Bishopric members' homes. Your FHE leaders will contact you with more details.
11.7.99
Tithing settlement with Bishop Whipple will be held on November 13 and 20 from 8 a.m. to noon, so be sure to sign up. Not sure if you should go or not? Just click your heels together three times and say "the windows of heaven, the windows of heaven..."
11.14.99
Homemaking will be held this Tuesday, November 16th at 7:30 in the Centennial Rec Room. (Psst. Secret password to get in: boys schmoys. Just kidding.)
11.14.99
Melissa Law and Spencer Broderick would like to invite anyone who is interested to come to the Family History Sunday School class. What are the advantages, you may ask? Well, the class meets in the Bishop's Office (E-536). That's the office with those REALLY comfortable chairs. A definite plus.
2.13.00
Genealogy. Am doing it---my genealogy? Does the reason why I am doing it seem very clear to me? If not, maybe you should come to the Family History class today which will be meeting outside the Nelke right after sacrament meeting to go to the Library to do research. Who knows, you just might stumble over a few roots...
2.20.00
This one goes out to the one I love: if you believe they put a man on the moon, then come to the shiny happy Ward Activity this Friday at 7:00 in the chapel located at 700 N. 945 E. We will be combined with three other wards for this activity, because everybody hurts... sometimes. Further details will be announced later, unless, of course it's the end of the world as we know it.
3.12.00
Mystery announcement.
3.26.00
There will be a Homemak---um, er, I mean Home, Family, and Personal Enrichment meeting for the sisters this Thursday, March 30th at 7:30 in the Centennial Rec Room. Sorry, no boys allowed.
4.16.00
Calling calling bo balling. Banana fana fo falling. Me my mo malling---a calling... If you have one, that is, and you will be staying for spring term, please talk to one of the bishopric members and let them know that you'll be hanging around so they don't have to be playing the name game so much.
Ah, it's that time of year... When the trees begin to bud, the birds return from the South, and Provo's population gets cut in half... And because of the latter phenomenon, the Provo Temple has a serious shortage of veil workers. Endowed brethren are encouraged to volunteer. Talk to Spencer Broderick of #103 fame for details.
True/False: If in a triangle the square on one of the sides equals the sum of the squares on the remaining two sides of the triangle, the angle contained by the remaining two sides of the triangle is right.
You answered: I cannot answer this question, as it is against my religious principles.
Hey, it's worth a shot, right? Here's wishing you good luck on finals!
4.30.00
Hi, I'm Mat. I'm making a brief cameo in this sacrament meeting bulletin to say, "Welcome to our ward." Welcoming is my specialty, see. In fact, all my friends call me "Welcome Mat." I'm just a crazy welcoming fool. Between you and me, I plan to ultimately pursue a doctorate in it. And since you have quite a few new people attending your ward today, I've been invited to say a few words of welcome. So, here goes: (clears throat) Welcome to the 122nd ward for spring term. Thank you. (Those last two sentences are copyrighted, and can only be used with special permission from Mat.)
Well, it's the end of the term---which means some of you will be taking off for a while. So, for those who are leaving, here's a good-bye kiss:
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,.-‘^ R S ,.-^ \|
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ss
kis
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isskiss
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Announcements?
At the end of every bulletin, I would remind people to contact me if they had any announcements. Most of the time I just put in a sentence saying "contact me by such and such a date" because I didn't have much room to write. But sometimes I did more...
5.30.99
Has this ever happened to you before? You had an announcement to put in the bulletin that week, but somehow you forgot and, as a result, it didn't get put in the bulletin and so millions of ward members completely forgot about whatever it was you had to announce?!? If this has happened to you before, call Alyssa Whipple (#125) for help. She'll make sure your announcement get puts in---and free of charge, too! It's your only sure-fire way of getting an announcement to the ward. You can't beat a great deal like that! Call TODAY! And hurry, time is running out...
6.6.99
Using my psychic powers, I perceive that you have an announcement for the ward bulletin... Ah, yes, I can see from your face that this is true. Your announcement is... Your announcement is... Oh, no... I wasn't concentrating hard enough and it just slipped into the void... I guess you'll have to give Alyssa a call (371-6525---not to be confused with the number for the psychic hot line) before Thursday and tell her your announcement. And yes, you DO need to call if you want your announcement in the bulletin. What, you think I can just read your mind?
6.13.99
Call Alyssa in apt. 125 if you have any announcements for the ward bulletin. The number is even toll-free! (For the first ten seconds at least...)
6.27.99
Pssst. Hey, you! Do you want to put an announcement in the ward bulletin? Then, call Alyssa (apt. 125) before Thursday. Come on, you know you want to... Everybody's doing it... You'll be popular...
7.11.99
Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky! Watch while I pull an announcement out of my hat!
Rocky: Again!?
Bullwinkle: Nothing up my sleeve... (Reaches into hat—sound of dog barking.) Whoops. Must have been for the wrong ward.
Rocky: Now here's a chance for you to really make an announcement! Call Alyssa Whipple in apt. 125 before Thursday!
7.18.99
Have you got an announcement for the ward bulletin? Call Alyssa Whipple in apt. 125 before Thursday and ask about our new! Ward-Announcement-For-The-Bulletin Contest. (Okay, okay. So, there's no contest. I just made up that last part so that you'd find some motivation to actually call me with your announcements.)
2.13.00
Come on. Admit it. It's always been your secret ambition to put an announcement in the sacrament meeting bulletin, right? Now here's your big chance: just contact Alyssa Whipple (#125) before Thursday and all of your ward bulletin dreams will come true. Carpe diem, amice.
7.16.00
A Basic Truth: Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. Let me guess, you ran out of film and forgot to give Alyssa in #226 your announcement for the sacrament program? No problem. Just give her a call before next Wednesday and make sure it gets in the program.
7.30.00
If there are any announcements for the sacrament meeting bulletin, feel free to give Alyssa in #226 a call before Wednesday night and for a plate of cookies, she'll slip it in the program for you. ;)
Running Gags
Every once in a while, I would carry a theme through the whole series of announcements. A few things you need to know in order to understand these announcements:
- Twice a month, the Family History Class would go to the Harold B. Lee Library during Sunday School to do actual research.
- Once a year, all BYU students have to meet with a member of their bishopric to renew their Ecclesiastical Endorsement. This signifies their continued commitment to living the Honor Code.
- Karl G. Maeser was the first president of BYU and the poster boy for the Honor Code system. He was famous for saying that if he were placed behind prison walls ever so high and ever so thick, extending to any depth in the ground, there would always be a possibility that at some time, in some way he would be able to escape. "But, place me in the middle of that floor, draw a chalk line around me, have me give my word of honor never to cross that line. Can I ever escape? No, never! I die first."
7.25.99
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Ward Prayer is tonight at 8:15 in the Centennial Rec Room,
And so are you.
Once again, don't forget about the informal Ward Choir Practice in apt. 225 at 4:00 today. (Hey, I just realized something: violets aren't blue---they're violet. Suddenly I feel so disillusioned with my favorite childhood poem form. It's all so futile!)
Ward Family Home Evening will be this Monday at 7:30 in the Centennial Rec Room and we'll all be going on a scavenger hunt. (Wait a minute---you know, not all roses are red either. There's yellow, pink, white, and tons of other colors. You know, I don't think this poem is very politically correct.)
Yep, you guessed it: there will be a Tuesday ward temple trip which meets at 6:15 in apt. 101. We will leave at 6:30 and get there in time for the 7:00 session. Give Will Harris (apt. 101) or Shelly Smith (343-2657) a call if you have any questions. (And who knows what "red" means anyway? The word "red" is totally subjective---what could be considered "red" to one person might be completely different to someone else. For example, recent research has shown that what the ancient Romans called "red" was actually more like what our mainstream society would consider "pink." Sheesh. This poem is maddening!)
If you have any announcements, give Alyssa a call (apt. 125). And don't worry, she's decided to give up poetry.
8.1.99
Come to Ward Prayer tonight at 8:15 in the Rec Room. It's a great place to come if you have anuptaphobia. (Anuptaphobia = the abnormal fear of staying single. Really, it's an actual diagnosis!)
Hey, kids, what time is it? That's right, it's Fast Sunday and you know what that means... Break the Fast! So meet with your assigned apartments at 2:30 to feast upon good food and good company. If you have any concerns, call Lisette or Sang in apt. 125. Hopefully, you won't have sitiophobia because there will be a lot to eat there. (Sitiophobia = the abnormal fear of food....) Here's the assignments, with the host apartments in bold:
- Group 1: 102, 104, 101, 226, 125, 327, Shelly Smith
- Group 2: 103, 204, 304, 225, 128, 220
- Group 3: 202, 303, 203, 328, 126, 120
- Group 4: 301, 302, 201, 227, 326, 228
Oh, yeah and there will be a Tuesday ward temple trip which meets at 6:15 in apt. 101. We will leave at 6:30 and get there in time for the 7:00 session. Give Will Harris (apt. 101) or Shelly Smith (343-2657) a call if you have any questions. A great opportunity if you have atelophobia. (Atelophobia = the abnormal fear of imperfection.)
Ward choir practice will be at 4:00 at apt. 225 today. Please come because we will be performing soon and we need voices! Also, if you would like some help overcoming your melophobia, this is a great opportunity to do so. (Melophobia = the abnormal fear of music.)
If you have any announcements for the ward bulletin, give Alyssa a call at apt. 125. (What phobia does she have? Phobophobia. The abnormal fear of phobias.)
12.5.99
(To the tune of "Jingle Bells")
It's Ward Prayer! It's Ward Prayer!
Tonight at 8:15...
In the Centennial Rec Room, and it will be keen! (Hey!)
It's Ward Prayer! It's Ward Prayer!
And if you don't go...
We'll come and pelt you with snowballs
Until you're really cold.
(To the tune of "Deck the Halls")
Break the Fast with a big dinner. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
After this you won't be thinner. Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our apt. assignments:
204 and 328, 203 and 325, 101 and 227
201 and 228, 301 and 226, 102 and 326
102 and 326, 302 and 126, 103 and 120
104 and 225, 304 and 220, 303, 127, 125
202, 128, 127
(To the tune of "Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer." Just kidding.)
The Annual First Presidency Christmas Broadcast will air next Sunday at 6:00. Also, if you haven't seen the posters in the Wilkenson Center, there will be caroling at the Bell Tower directly following the Broadcast.
"On the first day of Christmas, my visiting teachers gave to me... Ummm... errrr..." Need gift ideas? Come to Homemaking this Tuesday at 7:30 in the Rec Room where we'll be learning about inexpensive gift ideas.
There are only 20 more days till Christmas. Joy to the world.
Any announcements may be given to Alyssa (apt. #125) before Thursday.
12.12.99
There will be a Ward Christmas Fireside at 7:00 tonight in the Nelke Experimental Theatre. So, don't be a Grinch ("Look at them all with the absence I'm bringing. They're not sad at all! They're actually singing! They sing without juicers! They sing without blenders! They sing without flungers, kappdabblers, and smendlers!") and come and feel the Christmas spirit!
Good luck on finals (bah-humbug!) and have yourself a very merry Christmas!
1.16.99
The first Ward Prayer of the year 2000 will be held TONIGHT at 8:15 in the Centennial Rec Room. A momentous event, to be sure.
The first ward activity of the year 2000 will be on Friday, January 21. Further details will be announced later, so keep your eyes peeled for flyers.
The first stake leadership meeting of the year 2000 will be held on Sunday, January 23 from 4:30 to 6:00 in the Nelke Theatre.
The first BYU 5th Stake Fast and Testimony meeting of the year 2000---whoa! Sorry about that! I think that this ward bulletin was temporarily affected by a Y2K virus! Curses on that evil fiendish Y2K virus that we all thought was non-existent! Don't worry. I think I've got it under control this time. Let's this try again:
There will be a BYU 5th Stake Fast and Testimony meeting in the Provo Tabernacle on January 30th. Since our ward will be fasting this Sunday, it count as our ward's Fast Sunday. (Whew! Disaster averted.)
2.27.00
How many Ward Prayer coordinators will it take to change a lightbulb tonight at 8:15 in the Centennial Rec Room? None. They will just assign an apartment to be in charge of a spotlight.
Why did the Family History class cross the road? To get to the library where they could do research directly following the sacrament meeting today. (Pause.) Okay, so maybe that joke needs a little work.
Knock. Knock. Who's there? Ada. Ada who? Adapt-a-Grandparent. Wokka wokka wokka. No seriously, we will be meeting to go to the rest home today at 12:30 in the Relief Society Room.
What do you get when you put 122nd ward members in room 3290 of the Wilkenson Center with a room at 7:30 on a Monday night? A Ward No-Talent Talent Show! That's right---we will be having a ward FHE activity tomorrow, so don't miss it!
So, I think it would be a good idea to name your dog Maeser (as in Karl G). Because then it would be just be really funny to stand him on the floor and draw a chalk line around him and say, "Stay. Stay." (Pause.) Man, where's a laugh track when you need one? But speaking of the honor code, Ecclesiastical Endorsements are due soon, so set up an appointment with a bishopric member before it gets too late.