Recent Entries
Top 5 Most Frequent Things Chris and Alyssa Say to Each Other
August 14th, 2010
According to three full back-breaking minutes of Internet research, the 6th anniversary is the iron anniversary. Yesterday was our 6th anniversary so I snatched this little picture from one of my favorite Etsy shops:
I was inspired by an episode of The Tobolowsky Files in which Stephen mentioned the top 5 most frequent things that he and his wife say to each other. So, I thought I would take a stab at it for our 6th anniversary blog. After some genuine, soul-searching introspection, this is what I have come up with:
The Top 5 Most Frequent Things Chris and Alyssa Say to Each Other
5. "I'm sorry..."
4. "What do you want for dinner tonight?"
3. "What do you want to do tonight?"
2. "I'm so glad I'm married to you."
1. "I love you."
Maybe it's cheesy, but it's true. Six years later, I still really love this guy. And I can still tell him that and be fully honest.
Motherhood Feminism
July 24th, 2010
NOTE: This is the last entry in my series about feminism. Also, this blog entry warrants a heavy, heavy disclaimer at the outset. Although in this entry I will be discussing some of the less-than-positive aspects of motherhood, that in NO WAY means that I regret having children or that I dislike motherhood generally. I am also not trying to discourage other women from becoming mothers. I love my kids. I love my husband. I consciously made the choice to be a mother and I think it was a good choice. But that doesn't mean that my life as a mother is all sunshine and lollipops every day. Because, well, it's not.
The reason why feminist issues have become more salient to me recently is because of motherhood. Being a mother of very young children has turned feminism from an abstraction into something that hit a little closer to home. Stay-at-home-mom and blogger Lisa Jacobs made an interesting observation when she stated in an interview:
She's using a little bit of hyperbole to make her point here, and for that reason, I'm hesitant to say that this quote perfectly describes my own experience. But I agree with her basic sentiment: motherhood changes everything---and not always in positive ways.
I've come to feel that the defining feature of motherhood is sacrifice. That is, giving up something that is good for a worthy cause. Raising kids is certainly a worthy cause, but sometimes that sacrifice is also fairly onerous too---although the degree to which it will feel like a burden will vary from woman to woman, depending on individual personalities and circumstances (or even from day to day).
The first sacrifice a woman makes on behalf of her children is her body. When I first got pregnant, I had a pretty naive idea that soon after the birth my body was going to bounce back quickly and be exactly the same as it was before I got pregnant. Maybe it's true for some women, but it has simply not been the case for me. I'm 5 or 6 pant sizes bigger than I was before my first pregnancy. (Not to mention that staying home with the kids has also made it difficult to find time to exercise and get the weight off.) Having C-sections has made my muscles separate and has caused me to develop diastisis (a "beer belly" that will probably only be treatable with plastic surgery). And even as I write this, my C-section scar is sore because I did some heavy lifting a few weeks ago and strained my fragile abdominal muscles. My body is probably never going to be the same. I'm honestly not one of those people who really cares about my appearance all that much, but all the same it's hard not to feel depressed about my body sometimes.
Mothers also sacrifice a lot of their personal time and autonomy on behalf of their children. In the apartment complex we lived in before buying our house, I remember looking longingly out the window at my neighbor---a woman who was married but childless---as she would come and go at will throughout the day. I would sigh as I remembered the days when I just get in my car to go wherever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. I could run errands, go shopping, have lunch with a friend---follow any whim I had for the day. But as a mother, I'm much more grounded to the house than I was before. If I want to get out of the house, I have to negotiate a way to get Chris to work so that I can have the car for the day. Then, I have to plan out how I'm going to work around naps and feeding schedules. I have to factor in that it will take 3 times the effort to get the kids ready and out the door. There's also the hazard that the kids will misbehave or have a meltdown while we are out and about---which is frustrating and/or embarrassing when it happens. I'm constantly having to balance between my need to get things done vs. my kids' needs. The net result is that it takes much, much longer to get anything done.
Moms also sacrifice their health and personal comfort. For example, if a father gets sick, he can spend the day at home sleeping and being nursed by his wife. When a mother gets sick, there's no substitute mom hotline she can call for help. She either has to tough it out and feel miserable or rely on the kindness of others to tend her kids for her. When I get sick, I consider myself lucky if I can squeeze in a 15 minute nap somewhere.
Motherhood also involves a certain loss of identity because there is not a lot of time to pursue your own personal goals and interests.[1] Most of you who read my blog know that I'm fairly passionate about film studies. At one point in my life, I went to the movie theater nearly every week and saw most of the major new releases in a given year. But these days I probably only make it to the theater about 2-4 times a year. I stay somewhat "in the know" by listening to film podcasts, but it's definitely not the same.
You also begin to view your kids as an extension of your identity too. Although they have their own autonomy, it's hard to see their imperfections or weaknesses and not blame it on yourself. ("Ethan threw his shoe at a kid in nursery and it's MY FAULT because I'm a BAD PARENT!!!") That's because there's always something that you could have done better. And there's always more you could do for your kids. For this reason, motherhood brings a lot of emotional baggage along with it (guilt, envy, etc.)
And then there's the absurdism of doing household chores. I don't mean that it's ridiculous to clean the house. (I like having a clean house!) Rather, I'm using the term "absurd" in a philosophical sense to refer to the philosophies of Kierkegaard and Camus. Camus once wrote an essay in which he expounded upon the Myth of Sisyphus, a Greek Myth about a man being punished in the afterlife. To pay for his sins in his previous life, Sisyphus was condemned to push a rock up a large hill. No matter how hard he worked to get the rock to the top of the hill, as soon as it was almost to the top, it would fall down. Then Sisyphus would have to start the process all over again. On my darker days, this is what it feels like to do the household chores. You can make your house super spotless and beautiful one day but tomorrow it will completely messy again. You can do all the dishes today, but there will be more for you to do tomorrow. It sometimes feels difficult to find transcendence in never-ending tasks such as these.[2]
I don't think I'm alone in this. I hear quiet, little hints of frustration from mothers everywhere I look. I see it in my conversations with other women, I hear it in the podcasts I listen to, I read it in between the lines in my friend's blog entries. It's definitely there, even if it's just under the surface.
So, what does feminism have to do with all of this? Well, I think that on one level, my brand of feminism is about recognizing that it's normal to feel that way---so you shouldn't beat yourself up about not matching up to some perceived ideal of motherhood. It's about recognizing that we could all do with a little less guilt and shame in our lives. You don't have to enjoy motherhood 100% of the time and you can still be a good person and a good mom.
Feminism also asks us be more sensitive to each other as mothers. It encourages women to reach out a hand of empathy and understanding to those who struggle---and it asks men to make a more genuine effort to listen to women's concerns. Frankly, I think that some men don't really get it about motherhood. They see all the good outcomes of having their wives be stay-at-home moms (such as saving costs on day care, having a parent to teach their kids one-on-one, having someone take care of all the domestic duties, etc.) and they may not realize the sacrifice that is involved. It doesn't mean they aren't grateful or that they're chauvinists or something. I just don't think they necessarily have empathy because they don't really understand how demanding motherhood can be sometimes.[3]
I also think that feminism opens up a space in which women can honestly contemplate some of these challenges and try to find better means of coping with them beyond merely suffering in silence. Every woman needs to find her own path because we're all unique individuals with unique circumstances. Feminism respects a woman's right to carve that path out for herself. That path might mean toughing it out and just trying to adopt a better attitude. Or that path might mean going back to work or school part-time or full-time. Or it might mean just daydreaming about what the future will be like when the kids are all in school. (That's pretty much what I do.) Whatever it is, I think the point is that nearly all women need something supplemental---whatever that may be---to help them achieve self-actualization. And my brand of feminism says that it's okay to admit that and to work on discovering what that is.
Footnotes
[1] I've realized that this is fairly universal experience---not just limited to being a Mormon mother. This realization came as I was listening to an episode of a podcast called the Hatecast. It's hosted by Amelie Gillette (one of the Onion's staff writers). Gillette and her guests basically make cynical, snarky comments about three pop culture news items for the whole episode. In one of the first episodes I listened to, Gillette was "hating" on a new trend: mommy drinking blogs. Gillette sees the this trend as a way for these moms to assert that they're still "cool." I think that's part of it, but I think it's also their way of clinging to their old selves, their old identities. Wanting to retain part of themselves that has been lost. Check it out and see if you agree:
[2] I once took a theatre class that spent a week studying Theatre of the Absurd, an artistic movement which was inspired by absurdist philosophies. (A play like Waiting for Godot would be a good example.) My professor had a theory that women disliked Theatre of the Absurd because it comes to close to reality for them.
[3] As a case in point: 3 hour church would obviously never have been invented by a woman---at least not a mother with young children. I say this half-jokingly and half-seriously, but honestly, having a pre-nursery aged toddler makes church a fairly miserable experience for me. Sacrament meeting is also very challenging.
Marriage in the 21st Century
July 22nd, 2010
Back in May, I attended a mother's retreat organized by one of my fellow ward members. Some of the presenters at the retreat were informative and helpful, but there was one speaker whose message I didn't particularly care for. Her speech was about how LDS women can improve their relationships with their husband and she called it "9 Secrets My Grandmother Knew About Marriage." Here is a basic summary of what her "grandmother knew but which has been lost":
- Look beautiful. Men are visual, so you should make yourself look nice in order to attract his attention.[1] When you spend time on your appearance, you don't obsess over your looks and you can focus more on others.
- Food is important to a man. Have dinner ready by the time he comes home. Even if dinner isn't ready, make sure the table is set before he comes home.
- Speak clearly in a way that he cannot misunderstand.[2] Calmly state what needs to be done. Think before you speak. When he comes home from work, let him unwind first. When he's ready, then you can talk about your concerns.
- Create an orderly environment. This does not just mean having your house clean, but having your children calm and well-behaved. When a husband comes home to a comfortable environment, he can be more effective in the world.
- Show appreciation.
- Show admiration. For example: "You are so strong." "Thanks for providing for us." "I feel safe when you're around."
- Do recreational things with your husband that he likes to do. A good marital relationship requires 15 hours of time a week.
- Don't expect him to fulfill all your conversational needs.
- Physical intimacy. His need is constant and steady. Don't put him in a situation that makes him go elsewhere to fill this need.[3]
Her speech was peppered with phrases such as "A man just doesn't like..." and "That's not the way women think." She concluded by stating: "We have nothing to lose in trying to meet our husband's needs before meeting our own."
Maybe some of my readers might not find this speech upsetting, but for me, all of this gendered language had me squirming in my seat.
Now, I want to state that I truly believe her heart was in the right place. (And to mention, incidentally, that she was probably the friendliest and nicest person I met at the retreat.) Although she didn't state this overtly, I think the governing principle of her speech was that, in order to be happy and healthy, we need to focus on the things that we can control (about ourselves or our environment) rather than the things we can't control (such as your spouse's actions). She mentioned that she had been fairly unhappy in her marriage until she began to apply these principles.
While I whole-heartedly agree with the general principle that it is unhealthy to obsess over things that are not in our control, I disagree with her application of that principle. I can't help but ask myself: isn't it reasonable to expect her husband to meet her halfway? That's great that she's willing to make these changes and sacrifices to make him more happy and comfortable, but shouldn't he make some changes too? Shouldn't he be equally as willing to be sensitive to her wants and needs? What I felt was lacking from the presentation was any acknowledgment of the possibility that wives can engage in a meaningful dialogue with their husbands to try to influence them or ask them for change. When you encounter a problem in your relationship with another person, it's always good to begin by examining your own attitudes and ask yourself what responsibility you have in the problem---but it's also true that sometimes the other person needs a (loving) wake-up call too. Sometimes your husband needs to change and that's not going to happen if you don't talk about your problems together.
As I already mentioned, in the beginning section of the speech, she talked about how she had been unhappy in her marriage. Interestingly enough, she felt that the feminist ideas she had been raised with were the source of her unhappiness. She talked about how it is a fallacy that gender equality means that men and women are the same. For now, I'm going to set aside the fact that I feel that this is a misrepresentation/reduction of the feminist movement. What I'm more interested in here are her unstated assumptions. She assumed that marriages were happier and more stable before the rise of second-wave feminism of the 60s and 70s. Frankly, I don't think that's true. Let me rephrase her underlying assumption in a somewhat more cynical way to make my point. In other words, marriages were happier and more stable before women began to have greater employment and educational opportunities, before they began to think of themselves as equal partners in their marriage rather than as submissive servants, before women could conceivably divorce their husbands if they abused her and her children, etc. etc. etc. I quite simply reject the idea that feminism is somehow to blame for societal ills. Feminism gave women more freedom, more autonomy, and more control over their lives. That is progress.
Of course, progress always comes at a price. Autonomous women are more likely to leave bad marriages because they have greater financial independence than they used to have, resulting in a higher divorce rate. Furthermore, the feminist emphasis on equal career opportunitines has lead to the unfortunate stigmatization of women who choose more traditional gender roles (e.g. to be stay-at-home moms). But on the whole, I am certainly glad that I am a woman living in the beginning of the 21st century rather than the beginning of the 20th.[4]
Personally, I love my marriage and I feel that feminism has played a role in that. Chris and I have what I would call a progressive, 21st century marriage. Although an outside observer would say we have a traditional marriage, in many ways you could see it as a "gender-neutral" or "gender-flexible" marriage.[5] By that I mean that we don't have a this-is-YOUR-job and this-is-MY-job mentality. Chris is the primary wage-earner and I am the primary care-taker---but there have been times in our marriage when those roles were reversed. I currently teach at night to help bring in some extra money and Chris watches the kids when I go. Chris does the cooking because he enjoys it and I do the finances because I enjoy it. We both help out with household chores as needed. There are times when I do more of the housework and there are times when he does more. The guiding principle behind it is based on what is best for each other. I think we honestly try to be sensitive to each other's needs and to recognize when one of us "needs a break," as it were. And we don't expect perfection from each other.
Perhaps most importantly: we talk to each other. Early on in our marriage we learned how to lovingly and respectfully disagree with each other. We know how to express a problem in a way that doesn't make each other defensive. And we make a genuine effort to change our behavior when we know it's important to the other's well-being. Because of that, I'd estimate that my experiences with Chris are 95% positive. Even the negative stuff usually turns into a positive learning experience in the end.
Now, I'm not saying that you can't have a happy marriage if yours is one with clearly-defined gender roles. I think everyone needs to find what works for them and perhaps that means following tradition. (It appears to have worked for the presenter, after all.) But I think that the space in which my kind of marriage can exist was created, at least in part, by feminism. And I'm definitely grateful for that.
Footnotes
[1] As proof that men are visual creatures, she said she had never known any woman who struggles to pull herself away from a video game. That made me snicker a little because I've had difficulty pulling myself away from a video game many times---ever since I was young. I simply love video games.
[2] When I told this one to Chris, he was like, "What? Am I some kind of Neanderthal or something?"
[3] As I was listening to this list, it reminded me of the 1970s Total Woman movement, a Christian movement which advocated strong gender roles and the performance of female helplessness as a means of improving one's marriage. It also reminded me of an email meme that got heavy circulation a decade ago entitled How to Be a Good Wife. While the email is of dubious origins, the social function that it had a decade ago (when it became one of those mass emails that was sent around to everyone) was to say, "Hey, look at how awful and backwards things were for women in the fifties. I'm sure glad we know better today!" Some of the items on her list seemed to be exact duplications of the suggestions on that list.
[4] A quote that nicely captures this idea from Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.: "Many parents and teachers today are feeling frustrated because children don't behave the way they used to in the good old days. What happened? Why don't today's children develop the same kinds of responsibility and motivation that seemed more prevalent in children many years ago? ... There are many major changes that have taken place in society over the past few years that more directly explain the differences in chidren today. ... The first major change is that adults no longer give children an example or model of submissiveness and obedience. Adults forget that they no longer act the way they used to in the good old days. Remember when Mom obediently did whatever Dad said, or at least gave the impression she did, because it was the culturally acceptable thing to do? In the good old days few people questioned the idea that Dad's decisions were final. Because of the human rights movement, this is no longer true. Rudolf Dreikurs pointed out, 'When Dad lost control of Mom, they both lost control of the children.' All this means is that Mom quit giving the children a model of submissiveness. This is progress. Many things about the good old days were not so good" (3-4).
[5] I think part of that stems from the fact that we are gender-nuetral people. I was driving Chris to work the other day when we saw a billboard advertising a Men's Expo. Chris asked me if I thought there was anything at a Man's Expo that would interest him. We couldn't come up with anything. He's just not very interested in any typically male things like sports, guns, barbecues, etc. Later on that week we passed a billboard for a Women's Expo. I asked him the same question about me and again we couldn't think of anything. I'm not interested in fashion, makeup, scrapbooking, crafts, etc. I guess the point I'm making is that we're not your average male/female. And for that reason, statements about essentialized gender characteristics don't really resonate with me personally. That doesn't mean there isn't some validity to them, just that those statements don't speak to me.
Post Script
July 20th, 2010
I received a loving but concerned email from a loved one about yesterday's blog entry and I thought I would post my response to clear up any misconceptions other people might have about where I stand on the church's relationship to feminism. I wasn't planning on discussing my views about the church and feminism publicly in my blog, but I've decided to post it in order to be clear that I love the church and don't want to be antagonistic to it in any way.
Thanks for your loving response. I recognize that the label of feminism carries negative connotations. It's been associated with abortion, lesbianism, bra-burning, the ERA, and a bunch of other things that are a) not charitable and b) not in harmony with the gospel. I think it was in the 80s that the word feminism began to develop these negative connotations. But I don't want to abandon the title just yet. I think that the word feminism can mean a spectrum of things. The parts of feminism I like are the parts that I described in my blog (e.g. getting rid of sexism/domestic abuse and greater choice/opportunities for women). I worry that if those of us who care about the way women are treated in society abandon the word "feminism" then it will get left to the extremists to define for us. The danger of abandoning the term is that the good work that feminists are trying to do (because yes, some of it is good work) gets maligned and treated with distrust. So, I'd like to re-appropriate the term "feminist" and define it in more positive, gospel-compatible ways. I recognize that not everyone is going to adopt my re-definition of feminism. But since I can't really control what others think, I'll just try to explain myself as best I can and hope for a charitable discussion about it with them in private.
You closed your email by asking me about how feminism meshes with revealed truth for roles for men and women. I feel that a belief in "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" as an inspired document does not necessarily conflict with moderate feminism (emphasis on the the word "moderate"). It states that "Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose," and in doing so asserts that gender is not entirely a social construct---as some feminist scholars are prone to argue. However, the Proclamation does not proscribe gender roles beyond stating that: "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children."
I think it's important to note that the Proclamation emphasizes that men preside in love and righteousness (e.g. not through coercion or other abusive means). I also consider this section to be the most important and pro-feminist phrase in the document: "In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation" (emphasis added). It also states that individuals "who abuse spouse or offspring... will one day stand accountable before God." I find many of those statements to be positive, feminist-friendly and feminist-conscious statements---at least as I've defined the term feminist.
Regarding the priesthood, I've never believed that "equality" means "the same." I define equality as "giving people what they need." (See this blog entry for an explanation of my definition in context.) I'm not one of those feminists that believes that women necessarily need the priesthood in order for there to be gender equality in the church.
That being said, I have concerns about women being included in important church decisions on a ward and stake level. I like this quote from Elder Ballard (from an interview by Sheri Dew on the Conversations podcast):
I find great encouragement in that statement and it gives me hope that more bishoprics will catch that vision for women in the church.
Anyhow, Ethan is bugging me to come play with him, so I'll just close by saying that I love you and appreciate your love in return.
--Alyssa
Elder Ballard has articulated this position in more detail in his book Counseling with Our Councils, if anyone would like practical strategies on how to better include women in ward councils.
I'm a Feminist, Ask Me Why
July 19th, 2010
NOTE: I began writing today's blog entry back in March, but I delayed posting it because I was worried that I would offend some of my more conservative readers. I've decided to just go ahead and post it anyway and hope for the best. This entry is the first in a three-part series about feminism that I will post intermittently throughout this week. Hopefully I won't alienate my entire readership!
"A businessman is aggressive; a businesswoman is pushy. A businessman is good on details; she's picky. ... He follows through; she doesn't know when to quit. He stands firm; she's hard. ... His judgments are her prejudices. He is a man of the world; she's been around. He isn't afraid to say what is on his mind; she's mouthy. He exercises authority diligently; she's power mad. He's closemouthed; she's secretive. He climbed the ladder of success; she slept her way to the top."
--From "How to Tell a Businessman from a Businesswoman," Graduate School of Management, UCLA, The Balloon XXII
I've found that the topic of feminism has been in my thoughts lately since, out of curiosity, I've recently begun reading a few Mormon feminist blogs. In particular, the fiery debate over CJane’s response to Tomato Nation's definition of feminism has got me thinking about where I stand on the issue of feminism, so I thought I would explore my ideas here...
Voted Least Likely to be a Feminist?
About 6 or 7 years ago when I was still single, I went to a party where we played a board game called True Colors. True Colors is a party game where one person reads a question such as "Who is the most likely to get dirty looks for talking too loudly on their cell phone in public?" Then all the other players cast two votes for the person or persons they think would best fit that description. In Apples-to-Apples fashion, it's mostly a game about predicting what you think the other group members are going to pick as the most likely answer and you get points for accurately predicting what the group will decide.
At this particular party, I was playing True Colors with a guy and probably about four other girls. The guy was the reader and the question was something like "Who is the least likely to be a feminist?" All the votes were collected and everyone had unanimously chosen me as the least likely to be a feminist. I was shocked and mortified. I couldn’t believe that out of all the other girls in the room, I was the one who they unanimously considered to be the least feminist of all of them. What had I said or done to make them think I was not a feminist? It completely baffled me and deeply bothered me, especially since I was getting a Liberal Arts degree at the time.
When I got home that night I immediately went online and designed a custom-made button that said "I'm a feminist. Ask me why." My intention was to pin it to my book bag to make a stronger declaration of where I stood on the whole feminist issue. I never ended up spending the money on the button, but I forget why.
That whole episode caused me to think a lot more about feminism and my relationship to it. And I've continued to think about it ever since then. Let's just say it wasn't the last time somebody mistook me as being less than a feminist than I am. How I come across as anything less than a feminist still continues to baffle me.
Reasons Why I Consider Myself a Feminist
Let me go on the record by saying the main reason I consider myself to be a feminist is that I am strongly opposed to all forms of domestic abuse. While I recognize that it is possible for men to be the victims of abuse, the majority of victims are women. It's very sobering to realize that 1 in 3 women can expect to be abused in some form by their husbands. With some exceptions, patriarchal social structures usually reinforce hierarchical power relationships between men and women, potentially resulting in the domination and control of women by men. When these women are capable of financially supporting themselves and their children, they have substantially more autonomy and freedom to remove themselves from abusive relationships. For this reason, I believe that women should place a high priority on their education and they need to be free to pursue viable careers as necessary. Women also deserve to be paid equally for performing the same tasks that men perform---a battle which feminists have admittedly not yet won.
I'm also a feminist because I believe that no one should be restricted from doing what they want to do because of their gender (males included). I believe that a woman has the right to work if she chooses, to be a stay at home mom if she chooses, to decide how many children she wants to have, to put her kids in day care if she chooses, etc. Not only should she be free to pursue these activities as necessity or preference dictates, but she should not be made to feel any shame or guilt for doing so. Furthermore, a woman's value to society should not be determined by her marital status. I believe that anyone who would treat a woman as a second-class citizen for not matching up to some perfect ideal has a deeply misguided understanding of gender roles (not to mention a profound lack of empathy and charity for individual needs and circumstances).
In the same vein, I believe that a man should be free to be a stay-at-home dad if he chooses. He likewise shouldn't feel ashamed if he wants to pursue hobbies or professions that have been traditionally associated with females such as nursing, elementary education, sewing, cooking, interior design, cross-stitching, etc. I also strongly believe that it is healthy and important for men to express their emotions. (This is a real biggie in my mind, having seen how a culturally-prescribed masculine inability to emote has caused some damage to friends and family members.) Men should be free to be who they are without fear of being perceived as "gay." In short, I’m a feminist because I believe in living free from gender stigmas.
Unfortunately, gender stigmas are still alive and well. Most recently I stumbled upon proof of this while I was doing a Google image search for a Powerpoint presentation in my writing class. I wanted to find an image for the word "professor." The search results astonished me. Every single search result was a picture of a male. I didn’t see a single female professor until I got to page 4 of the results. (There was one picture on the first page of results that featured a young girl dressed as a vamp by a chalk board on the first page that said "Sleep with my..." underneath it, but I think we can safely say that is not a pro-feminist search result.) When I did an image search for "teacher," however, the mix was about 90% female and 10% male. A search for "doctor" gave me about 95% male and 5% female. A search for "nurse" gave me about 98% female and 2% male (plus a lot of pictures of sexy nurses in suggestive poses)."Lawyer" is probably one of the more balanced search results, probably a ratio of about 60% to 40%.
That being said, feminists have made great strides in making society conscious of these stigmas and in empowering women who are oppressed because of their gender.
There's Still Room For Improvement
Unfortunately, the battle isn't over yet. While women in the United States enjoy a great deal of gender freedom, in many societies throughout the world, women still carry the heavy burdens of sexism.
My father recently returned from a trip to Africa. He saw women carrying heavy water jugs on their heads while also carrying a baby on her back and dragging her kids along by her side. Meanwhile, her husband, carrying nothing, walked several paces ahead of her. I'm all about cultural sensitivity, but I think that kind of thing obviously needs to change.
This semester a Korean student wrote a paper for my class in which she discussed how her sister had tried unsuccessfully to get her PhD in Mathematics in Korea. She was accepted into the program, but her fellow male students constantly jeered at her, making sexual jokes and teasing that how she obviously must have slept with the professors to get into the program. (In my university, that's defined as "sexual harassment" and I am contractually obligated to report it to my supervisor when a student makes a comment or joke about another student's body or gender.) She was ultimately unable to graduate because her dissertation committee refused to even read her dissertation---unless she could offer them a hefty bribe. I don't see how you can think of that as anything other than morally reprehensible.
I'm not trying to say that America is superior to these cultures, because we're not. (America's culture was very similar to this until only very recently---and there is still room for improvement.) But I do think that seeing the contrast between our culture and theirs shows us how far we've come. And we have feminism to thank for that.